Hidden Shell

They say that if you put a frog into boiling water, it will jump out to survive. However, if you put it into a pot of water and slowly raise the temperature to boil, it will not notice the temperature rising and it will stay until it dies. I don’t know if that’s true, but it is a great analogy for what it is like to find yourself in an abusive relationship.

People often ask victims why they didn’t or don’t leave, or why they ever let the abuser get control, but they fail to understand that in most cases it was not always an abusive relationship. It is a common theme to hear from victims after escaping that in the beginning things were ideal, and almost seemed too good to be true. I know that was the case for me.

These are things we wonder ourselves when we leave. As we begin to heal, we often self blame, especially because abusers in narcissistic abusive relationships have often convinced us that everything that is wrong is our fault. The healing isn’t easy.

I’m 6 weeks out, and 5 weeks from his arrest and while I feel like myself some days now, there are still moments where the anxiety hits me like a freight train. I’m currently 2,000 miles away on vacation, trying to find a place where I could relax and not be totally on guard. When I landed I felt completely at peace and could breathe. Now, it’s 2am and while I’m in a completely safe place I can’t sleep because the anxiety attack that came out of nowhere has me unable to sleep.

Healing is slow. I know that I can’t rush it but I just wish this could all be a memory. I wish I was already at the place where I could glimpse back at it like a dream from the past. The days I feel like my old self are wonderful. The moments like this, I wonder if he’s ruined me forever.