Hidden Shell

I’m scared to be doing this. I know that I need some sort of release, and to not feel so alone. Isolated. I’ve done it to myself, or allowed it to happen in any case. It started slowly and now I find myself here. I’m a shell of my former self … that strong, independent woman that I was so proud I’d become.

This is petrifying because when you live in this environment it comes to pass that you feel your thoughts aren’t your own. As I type, I feel that somehow, he knows my thoughts. He will know that I am putting this out into the world. Even if I never say my name, or his, or where I live … he will know it’s in my mind and being released. What are the consequences?

I convince myself that because there are no broken bones or bruises that it’s not abuse. My logical, intelligent mind that was so strong before knows that it is, but the woman I’ve let myself become isn’t so sure. Maybe this really is all my fault.

All of his words live in my head. I carry them around and suddenly they feel true. Maybe I am all of the things that he’s said. I’ve made some choices in life, maybe he just saw things that I didn’t see. Maybe the world would be better if I wasn’t here.

“Kill yourself.”

“Tramp.”

“Whore.”

“Bitch.”

“Useless.

“Trash.”

What if the only way out of this, and to keep those I know and love safe from him, is just that I’m not here anymore?