Hidden Shell

I always tell people that it wasn’t like this in the beginning. They often remind me that it rarely is, because people without feelings involved wouldn’t stay if that was the case.

When I met him, I thought that I had hit the jackpot. I’d decided to date a little older than me, aiming to find a little more maturity and wisdom in my next partner after being single for several years.

I knew what I brought to the table. I was smart, funny, supported myself and my 2 children, owned my own home, and was looking for a partner who had enough emotional maturity to handle a stable, healthy relationship. Admittedly I lacked confidence, as I’d always been the heavy girl growing up and despite having recently lost over 100 lbs, in my mind I was still that girl.

When I met .. let’s call him “R’, I was intrigued. He was 10 years older than me, had his own business, and seemed to be calm and well mannered. A perfect Southern gentleman, or at least what I’d always envisioned one to be like.

We met on a dating site, but I was gun-shy so we talked for several months before finally agreeing to meet for lunch. I was hooked from date one. Not only was he kind, and funny, he was soft spoken and I couldn’t imagine ever being in fear of him – something important to me because of past experiences. Most of all though … the dimples that his photos hadn’t showcased had me hooked.

He opened doors, walked with his hand on the small of my back, the conversation was wonderful, and I just felt so … safe and secure. I knew I wanted another date before the first one was even halfway over. When our lunch was over, neither of us wanted the date to end and so we went next door for a drink and talked another hour or so. I truly thought that he was everything I had been looking for, and when he texted me before he even got home to tell me what a great time he had, I was over the moon.

After months of talking there was still plenty to be said, and there were no awkward moments. I had always openly shared with him, because I wanted him to genuinely know me, not a facade. When it was just as good in person, and in the weeks after, I thought that I had found someone who could be not only my partner, but my best friend.

I still miss that man sometimes. I know he’s in there.